Looking out the window of my office, I can’t help but wonder about what life would be like if I had more confidence. Maybe if I did then I would shine just as brightly as the sun does in the bright blue sky. The sun never shies away because the sky is a bright colour nor does it completely hide on the grey days. You still see the light shining through the grey clouds. That’s what I aspire to be, a sun that shines on a bright and grey day. Today I feel anything but confidence. Today I’m nervous, just like I am every Wednesday afternoon when I’m sitting in my office, anxiously waiting for it to be 12:30pm. That’s when I see him, that’s when I get to leave my office for an hour and walk to the café around the corner from my office. It’s also coincidently around the corner from his office too. Then again, not much of a coincidence since it was in that café that we actually met. I remember that day like it was yesterday.
It was a Wednesday, the only day that I escape the office for a lunch break lasting longer than twenty minutes. It’s my slow days, the days that I have always put down in my calendar as busy when really I’m just working on personal projects and wishing that 5pm would quickly tick over so that I can get home, slip into my pyjamas and sit on the couch with a large glass of red wine and watch reruns of Love Island. Ugh I’m getting off track here.
I was lining up for my coffee, I always order the same thing every week, and a vanilla iced latte with a smashed avocado and chicken Panini. There was a guy in front of me, a few inches taller than me. I’d say maybe 5 foot 9 or 10. He got served his hot cappuccino, he turned around so quick that he lost his footing. I panicked and tried to “catch” the coffee, honestly insert face palm emoji here because only I would try to catch HOT coffee. It landed over me. My shirt drenched in hot brown liquid. I felt like my boobs were melting off of my chest.
“Sweet Jesus!” I screamed, dropping my handbag to the ground and pulling my t-shirt outwards. Trying to cool down my scolding skin.
“I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to.” The tall one said. He grabs serviettes and starts patting them down on my chest. Touching my boobs.
“Hey, hey. It’s fine.” I say, slapping his hands away. “I can clean myself off, thank you.”
He looks to his hands and realises he’s touching someone’s chest, someone that he doesn’t even know.
“Oh, right. Heh.” He chuckles and takes his hands away from my body. “Here, I’ll get your order.”
He walks to the counter and pays for my order. I’ve been here that many times that they just look at me and put my order through straight away. I don’t have to say anything anymore although I do say hello and usually pay with cash.
“You didn’t have to do that.” I say, taking the coffee and place from him and sitting at the closest table.
Of all the days to wear a white shirt. Thankfully, I have a change of shirt back at the office. I’m the clumsiest person, I always keep a spare shirt at work for moments like these.
The stranger shrugs his shoulders and sits down on the opposite side of me.
“Are you lost?” I ask him, sipping on my coffee. The cold brew travels down my throat to my stomach and it feels like it’s cooling my poor body down. It’s not, it still stings.
“I’m David.” He introduces himself.
That was a year ago now. Who knew that the person who spilled scolding hot coffee onto my boobs and ruining my favourite work shirt would become one of my best friends? Not me, that’s for sure. Although, if I’m being honest, I have had a crush on him ever since that day so there’s that.
He’s sitting across from me, wearing a buttoned up powder blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and black trousers. He’s talking about a girl that he likes, he’s mentioned her a few times in the past but I haven’t really paid much attention. Until now.
“I finally grew some balls and asked her out Shell.” He said, smiling from ear to ear. “She said yes!” he exclaimed.
My smile fades from my face. My feelings finally showing when I would usually keep it so close to me out of fear.
“What’s wrong?” he quizzed.
Sighing, I replied, “I thought you had been subtly hinting that the girl was me.” My heart beating fast in my chest.
“What?” he scoffs. “No, you’re my friend.”
My mouth falls open.
“Seriously?” I asked. “I’m never going to be good enough for you am I?”
He’s quiet, decides on taking his time to reply. I can see the wheels turning in his mind. Playing out scenarios in his head. Maybe to avoid an awkward confrontation but at this point, an awkward confrontation is expected.
“It’s not that you aren’t good enough.” He finally breaks his silence. My heart about stops at the awkward chuckle. Why do I still find this irritating man so irresistible? “I have a girlfriend now Shelly.”
“I just thought it was going to be me.” I whisper. Sipping on my ice coffee.
Boy did I read out entire friendship wrong. I believed that all this time it was going to be me.
He ignores my statement and starts showing pictures of his new girlfriend. Talking about their weekend at the beach. The weekend that we had plans and he cancelled because he said he was sick. Obviously wasn’t.
“She’s beautiful.” I squeak. He tells me more about her and she sounds perfect, especially in comparison to me.
I can’t help but wonder about what if’s. What if I was more like her, would he want me then? Would he want me if I was beautiful like her, long hair, beach ready body? Dark skin like hers and tall too?
He continues talking but I don’t hear a word that he is saying. I look to the left of me, where our reflections are in the window beside us. My eyes glance over my body, my hands instinctively grab at my stomach. My biggest problem area. My stomach pudges down and outwards, my arm fat sags and my face is puffy and round. Compared to her athletic body, flat stomach, toned arms and sharp facial features. I would have had no chance. It’s a reflex. I can’t help comparing myself to the woman who has all of his attention.
Tears threaten to fall from my eyes. I don’t want to cry here. I need to go. Make up some kind of excuse. What kind of excuse can I make that would sound believable.
“You right shell?” he asks and I nod.
“I’ve gotta go.” I say, grabbing my hand bag and coffee and start walking away.
“Wait, Why?” He asks, following me.
“I have a meeting that I forgot about.” I say, turning to leave again but he stops me. His hand wraps around mine.
“Really?” His eyebrow cocks up and he turns his head to the side.
I shrug my shoulders and go to leave again but then I stop.
“You know what,” I start to say. “No, not really and you know what. Maybe I’m not good enough for you but you’re certainly not good enough for me.”
With that said, I pull my hand from his and walk back towards my office.